Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
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If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.