[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
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Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.