Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
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I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I gave up going to work for lent.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?