“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
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Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.