I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
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My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell