I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
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I used to be married, but I’m better now
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
All is fair in drunk and war.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten