“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
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My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
How it started How it’s going
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.