@TylerLinkin: I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
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@ibid78: Angel: "I think we can all agree that 6 is enough." God (clearly upset about something else): "NO. GIVE SPIDERS 8 LEGS."
@AmishPornStar1: Life Tip: If you're ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
@iscoff: Sometimes if you say "Wow, you're tall!" to a tall person they realize they're tall for the first time and thank you with cash
@TimFernholz: The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis