@TylerLinkin: I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
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@ericsshadow: My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
@bourgeoisalien: PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey- TURKEY: Nope. I'm ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
@stargazer15_: I'm the kind of girl that will suck helium from a balloon and talk dirty to you in a Minnie Mouse voice. Really dirty.
@drinksmcgee: Apparently, using a french fry and an onion ring to simulate how I wanted the rest of the evening to go wasn't the most romantic move ever.