@TylerLinkin: I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
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@sixfootcandy: Kids: Thanksgiving is boring. Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again. Kids: YAY!
@SeanINCypress: Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.
@mommy_cusses: Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.