@TylerLinkin: I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
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@ArfMeasures: GF: So we just wanted to say we're engaged! HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first ME: You're not really my type though
@kibblesmith: A good prank if you're in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn't paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars