@TylerLinkin: I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
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@TheCiscoKidder: My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, "Big pee pee!" I'm taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
@TheHyyyype: [driving] WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there? ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
@TheBoydP: Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.