I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
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Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Perfect.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog