I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
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Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet