@kelkulus: I'm stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying "utilize" and "leverage" and I'm wondering if I should tell him about the word "use".
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@TragicAllyHere: My son was crying and asked, "why doesn't the dog have to wear pants?" And it's like, I don't even know. So now I'm putting pants on a dog.
@DanDoofus: Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so's my liver but you don't see me slowing down because of it.
@Home_Halfway: Skywritten letters: SUSAN I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
@TheTweetOfGod: When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it means you've been using Apple Maps.