When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
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ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.