You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
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You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.