@dreamthievin: I'm such a film buff I can always tell when a fake dinosaur is used in a movie.
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@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: Why don't you chat with us in the kitchenette in the morning? Me: Because I'm not paid to be your friend & you say kitchenette.
@brycoo: [HR office] Do you know why we called you in today? To give me a pay rise? No. Because I googled 'How to burn down office' 600 times? Yes.
@yenniwhite: "Don't play with your food," I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.