Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
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Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.