[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
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This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?