I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
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i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
(True)
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
hmm conte-me mais
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded