The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
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Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”