the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
You Might Also Like
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
The pen is writier than the sword.