*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
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Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.