I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
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Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good