I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
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What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.