Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
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This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.