I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
You Might Also Like
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
How to find Kentucky on a map
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.