@NickMotown: I'm sure there'll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams' death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
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@EndhooS: [1st day seal clubbing] Me: OMG this is awful Guy: [choking back tears] I know right? Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn't even a DJ
@hippieswordfish: ME: *opens planner and puts on reading glasses* no im sorry looks like i can't make it FRIEND: you're holding a VCR warranty brochure
@MichaelTrying: Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you've had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.