I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
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Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea