I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
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And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself