I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
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Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I would like even faster food.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!