@lacybronze1: I'm surprised more killers haven't lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
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@JasonLastname: If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won't get another chance like this.
@theshamingofjay: The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: What did you do at preschool? 3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time. Me: 3-year-old: I need to lie down.
@Rollinintheseat: It's like nobody at this restaurant appreciates my dramatic reading of the menu.