I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
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It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies