@lacybronze1: I'm surprised more killers haven't lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
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@zachraffio: They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
@FredPirollo: "Sir can I ask you why you're smoking TWO huge cops?" Blunt, i'm *turns to camera* Doing this tweet wrong *Blunt just stares in confusion*
@briangaar: The premise of Batman is that, deep down, all billionaires just want to be first-year patrol cops
@ItsAndyRyan: Me: Do you ever feel like you're an imposter? Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair Me: Interesting *writes 'thinks he's the psychiatrist'*