I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
You Might Also Like
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.