Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
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Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
me
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices