I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
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The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
scared to check what name she chose
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside