@DawnLovesZombie: I'm surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
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@Barknado69: Friend: just make small talk *later, on date* Me: so...grains of sand Her: uh yea- Me: dwarves Her: are u okay- Me: bottle caps
@lloydrang: By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
@OFalafel: I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets.
@EJGomez: bicycle cop: im taking you to jail me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you [segway cop just dying laughing]