I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
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Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
🔦🌙👣
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two