Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
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Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Guilty! 🤪
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin