My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
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Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.