I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
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That’s fair
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it