It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
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Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.