@smilely_gal: 7: "Mama, if someone licked the treadmill, would that someone get sick?" Me: "Are you the someone?" 7: "Maybe" Holy hell.

@Shakti_Shetty: *thinks of joining gym tomorrow* *celebrates the thought with a pizza*

@SteveKoehler22: Snapchat is going public in March with a $30 billion IPO. Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

@squirrel74wkgn: [on first date] Let me get that for you. *holds door open* "May I help you, sir?" Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

@3sunzzz: Airport security doesn't let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, "It's okay, I'm just a harmless alcoholic."