@jackmackenroth: I'm taking my mother-in-law to the new Resident Evil movie because she's staying with me and I love subliminal messages.
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@ComedicBust: [during a plane crash] Guy sitting next to me: HOLY SHIT WE'RE GOING DOWN Me: [leaning over] You gonna finish those cashews?
@TwinSurvivalist: The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
@FloodyHippie: My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger. --how I cancel dates