I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
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I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.