I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
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wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
smh
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.