I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
You Might Also Like
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
early stone age tool
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it