what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
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My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Lassie, get help!
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it