I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
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I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*