@Brianhopecomedy: I'm teaching my 2 year old about currency so I can figure out what coin she just swallowed.
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@Ristolable: [First day of prison] "Hey man. Wanna be in our gang?" Sure, I'll call you. Just give me your cell number *gets stabbed*
@shkeeber: I'm not drunk. I'm a gravity inspector... ...and everything seems to be in order here. *falls down/passes out*
@imdaintyaf: What's the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I'm asking for me.