Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
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I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.