Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
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Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas