@JennyPentland: I'm teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there's no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
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@JustinGuarini: Before I had kids I never really reflected on life's little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
@Christweetpher_: [black jack] DEALER: 14 ME: hit me D: 16 M: hit me D: 23 M: hit me D: M: D: M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
@dazedandsincere: My mom just told me she's been watching that "Game of Thongs" show. Gawd I hope she's just saying it wrong.