@JennyPentland: I'm teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there's no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
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@AnOrangeSNES: In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn't my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
@furbyburglar: I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I'm gonna kill anyone
@MandiAtRandom: Doc: This pill may cause: Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I'm out.
@3sunzzz: 1900: Let's filter coffee. 1950: We need to filter cigarettes. 1970: We should really filter water. 2015: I want to filter my face.