I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
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Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
it’s finally my moment to shine
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.