see you in hell you stupid fruit
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*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”