My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
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This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap