i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
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In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
12653.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.