i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
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Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me