“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
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The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Cake safety first. Always.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.