I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
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My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.