I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
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Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay