[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
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George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?