@LuckyLea13: I'm thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I'd still just be talking to myself
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@Extranaut: Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
@juliussharpe: Fun tip - instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you're sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.
@SadMeterologist: TRUTHFUL TUESDAY: When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Snuck a peak at my therapist's notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.