I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
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product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
How software testing works
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after